Fake It 'Till You Make It... Or Not.

Honesty and authenticity are traits that I’ve always valued. I’m passionate about living a truthful life and it encourages me to know that my name, Allison, means truthful. I love the meaning of my name! I stand by it and hope that God uses it for His will and glory. Also, I am thankful that white lie I once told (lol) is forgiven!

When trying to stick to my true identity and living out honesty and authenticity, I can sometimes find myself stuck or embracing a season for what it is. Let me explain... Motivation and desire have not been my friend over the past few years, but I am determined to strive for them anyways. I don’t want to just push through and ignore the reason why they’re lacking or be fake in any way. I’ve decided that I’m done pushing myself and moving forward in such a way that causes burn out. I’ve been there way too many times.

What’s helped me is holding onto this hope – I am loved and created for a purpose by God, my heavenly father. Being loved by God is something that I’ve experienced first-hand over and over in recent years and really throughout my entire life. It’s just been a bit more vivid throughout the past few years.

I also know that God's protection and care for me is like none other, but sometimes I wonder what my purpose is. At one time in my life, I was called to be a missionary in a foreign country where my job was to share the gospel and start new churches. I had my mind set to live and die this way. But as we often find, God had other plans for me.

Many people have said to me, “Well just be a missionary here where you are right now.” Trust me, I wish it was that simple!

As one dream ended, another dream began when I became a mom to my daughter Eliana. I’ve come to realize that a lot of parenting is practiced by responding/reacting to your child's wants or needs. It's almost involuntary. But it still left me with a lack of desire and motivation. Oh, and what guilt I’ve had as I want to be the absolute best mom to my sweet girl and by God's grace, I think she has it pretty good. And I have learned to be intentional as a parent as God patiently guides me.

But despite any doubts I’m experiencing, God still has a purpose for me. And he still has a purpose for you too! I’ve spent my current season of life pausing and taking in all of the beauty God has given me. To see the beauty and love that God and others offer has provided me with a desire to live life despite the hardships and bad that still take place.

I’ve been sick for quite some time, which has resulted in a lack of desire and motivation because I’m not feeling well. Don’t worry though! I’m happy to report that as of recently, I’ve been feeling much better. And at this point, it seems as if my lack of desire and motivation is based off of circumstances, which you and I both know can not determine our joy in life. If it does, we will be left feeling empty.

So, at this point, I have hope! Hope that new dreams will come and old dreams will be healed.

Matthew 9:37-38 says, "he said to his disciples, The harvest is great, but the workers are few. So, pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask him to send more workers into his fields."

I believe this verse applies to me and to you too. I feel convicted and more ready than ever to serve God, as there is much work to be done for His kingdom.

God using you and me to do His work for His glory and ultimately for eternity is a privilege. He does not need us, yet he wants us. And that gives me purpose, which in turn, creates a taste of motivation and desire for me. Praise the Lord!